DAY SOMETHING: CHALLENGES, YOU FOUND ME!

For all the braying and bleating I normally do about being positive and being in control of your life, I've been a little challenged in the last few weeks. I have to admit that I've been reduced to tears on more than a number of occasions and felt terribly inadequate, lost and insecure and had doubts about everything I had established internally.

I don't need to go into detail - they're not as important as me having to recalibrate my internal monitor. During those overwhelming moments, I lost track a little and focussed on the things that were derailing me. I lost faith in myself and became momentarily disillusioned about my own strength, my resilience and my courage.......my ability to face those challenges instead of running away from them.

However, time and focus has brought me back to the middle and those things that seemed insurmountable are now a little more manageable and, one small bite at a time, I'll have this apple eaten.

I guess it proves that life's road always has speed humps and it's how you handle those bumps that determine how the rest of your journey is going to be.

I thought that once you had a handle on life and the Universe, none of those things would resurface to challenge you again - more fool me! They do come back.....if for nothing else than to test you out, to make sure you've progressed and evolved enough to cope.

It's a good feeling of peace you get when the penny drops again.........

DAY 226: Barter

Photo by Eddie Soloway

Barter

Life has loveliness to sell,
All beautiful and splendid things,
Blue waves whitened on a cliff,
Soaring fire that sways and sings,
And children's faces looking up
Holding wonder like a cup.

Life has loveliness to sell,
Music like a curve of gold,
Scent of pine trees in the rain,
Eyes that love you, arms that hold,
And for your spirit's still delight,
Holy thoughts that star the night.

Spend all you have for loveliness,
Buy it and never count the cost;
For one white singing hour of peace
Count many a year of strife well lost,
And for a breath of ecstasy
Give all you have been, or could be.

Sarah Teasdale

Photo by Eddie Soloway

DAY 224: New Chapters (Long Blog, this one)

And so here I am, 4 days into my new job and I'm still quite awed and amazed at the turns my life has taken, all for the positive.

The thing that is thrilling me the most, right at this moment, are the comments I have received, especially recently, at how inspiring I've been to others regarding me taking all the steps I needed to take and commit to in order to have made these changes actually happen for me. I never set out to inspire, to tell you the truth, but that this is one of the results, for taking the lead reigns and making my life BE what I want it to be, is so unexpectedly EXCITING! Who knew??? Who knew I could actually make this happen.....and it's only just started for me.

See.......I now believe (REALLY BELIEVE) that every single one of us has the capacity and capability to change our lives to be what we want it to be or, if you're happy where you are, to maintain that for your future. I never used to believe that - I used to be skeptical and quite cynical of this positive and empowering attitude. And aren't there plenty of those cynical attitudes out there?

However, I sat back and watched and studied the people whom I admired the most (still do) - not just your Oprahs and Mahatma Gandhis and Richard Bransons, but ordinary people too - people who I personally know who make things happen for themselves. People who DO, they don't watch and criticise others - they actually go out there and DO. I studied their behaviour, their attitudes, their resilience and, most of all, their courage and I wanted to be more like them!!! There is a huge difference between those people and the rest .....

It's the way they carry themselves; it's the way they are focused; it's their positivity which appears to be irritating to some (and if you're one of those people who seem to be irritated by these 'positive' people, it's time to examine why that is, my suggestion); it's the way they get back up when they're knocked down; it's what they do when things go pear-shaped; it's all the tangibles and intangibles that make them who they are.......and I was drawn to them!! Like a moth to a flame...

But you know what I admired the most about these people? GOOD THINGS always happened to them!!! They weren't the "Why does this happen to everyone else?" people - they ARE the people that good things happen to. They attracted the energy that they put out there. It's the one single thing they all had in common. They weren't faking happiness - they really ARE happy!

Now I don't care what vehicle you choose to get to this place - just get there! You can read The Secret or Dr. Phil's books;  you can watch and subscribe to Oprah.com; you can subscribe to conventional religion or you can try something alternative - it really doesn't matter to me. That's a personal choice that I respect and won't judge or question.

What matters to me is that you are doing something positive to create positive things around you. Why? Because you CAN!!

I'm not at my destination yet but I KNOW that I've set myself on the road to reach it and that is what makes all the difference to the life I now lead compared to the life I have led in the past.

If I have inspired you in any way, shape or form, then that's the key to knowing that YOU can do it too. It isn't rocket science. I just found something that works for me. Well, I found a few things - not just one - that works for me.

Surrounding myself with really positive, supportive, loving people was a good start. I don't need to have a bazillion friends/acquaintances/mates/pals. I just need a few GOOD friends (and one awesome sister) that inspire and motivate me; that understand me; that love me unconditionally; that just get me.....and I am certainly blessed to have those.

So this law of attraction? It works!! My new job? I am surrounded by loving, thoughtful, caring, supportive, SAFE, honest people and I know - at my core - that I have attracted them into my life and that I am meant to be working with them. I have so much to learn from them and that is so evident already. Sure, I'm the new girl and everyone's being nice but I wasn't born yesterday.

I have been blessed with a good instinctive gut feeling about people and these people are GOOD people!! No tall poppy syndromes here, no jealousies, no back stabbers, no manipulators. They're just pure, good, honest people who want to do a GREAT job, with honesty and integrity......AND HUMOUR. (They're not reading this as they have no idea about this blog).

I'm meant to be here. I'm grateful today for so many things that have come my way. Some have been unexpected gifts from the Universe and some I've made concentrated efforts to attract.

Day 192: Opening New Doors

So today I resigned from my job at Telstra Super Financial Planning and a myriad of emotions I didn't expect to feel have surfaced. Sadness being the primary one today.

I'm not a good one for goodbyes. You only need to look at my house to see all the things that I horde because I simply can't part with anything. Everything I do and have has an emotional significance or attachment to it so I do my best to avoid saying goodbye.

So today, that awkward discomfort is sitting on my chest and I have a heavy heart. Sure, I have fabulous new horizons and challenges ahead of me and THAT is very exciting, no doubt about that. But for today, I feel like I'm losing a very precious friend. Like someone I love is going overseas for a long time? You know that feeling when you know it isn't goodbye forever but I don't know when I'll see you next?? That feeling.

I have loved working for this organisation. It has been the BEST job I've ever had (so far) so leaving it has been a huge decision to make, for me. It would be so easy to stay, safe in my comfort zone, but that isn't what life is about, is it? It isn't about retreating into your cave, safe in the knowledge that there is a big world out there but you're in here.....safe.

I'm at that age and stage in my life where what I do for a living has to be meaningful. It can't be about the $$$ or about the safety net or the comfort. I have felt like a genie  locked in a bottle and it's time to release this genie. When my children were younger, my priority was to educate them and give them a safe and stable home-life and I have done that and I feel VERY proud of myself that, with some help from my beautiful husband, Grant - I have provided all that for my children.

But they're adults now and have lives of their own. Doesn't mean that I'm not a part of it but now, my priorities turn to me and doing what makes me happy.  I have meaningful relationships that I have cultivated and nurtured in other areas of my life and now it's time to create something BIG and BRIGHT and COLOURFUL with my professional life! Something that reflects who I am at my core and not someone who I have to be or am trying to be. Something that fits better with my personality and that has all the possibilities of taking my natural skillset and launching it to the big, bright, beautiful world out there!!!

But saying goodbye is, right now, shadowing all that excitement and joy I feel for newer opportunities and prospects because I have LOVED working for this place. In its own way, that's a good feeling to have because it means that this job has held a lot of value and meaning to me.

Day 176: Come On Baby, Light My Fire

Today is a GREAT day! It has been one of the most brilliant and happiest days I've had for a while and all because I attended my photography studies class and we started studying Design Theory. It was magical and moving and confirmed so much to me.

It seems that, as the class progressed, all the things that have been whirring inside me had finally found a landing, a nest to make a home. All the intense feelings I have when I look at art, when I want to create, when I listen to my music, when I experience from within? They all have a tangible home! The poetry I read that moves me......the images that stir my emotions? THEY all have a blessed tangible home....

Today we talked about form and design and content and I got whisked away into another world. A world that feels like a second skin, a world that is pure and beautiful.  It felt like I was Dorothy and this wasn't Kansas anymore....and that I had entered Narnia through my own special wardrobe. The language, the feelings it evoked. I must have looked 'special', sitting there with a stupid grin from ear-to-ear.

I felt like my brain and my heart was doing it's own interpretive dance to music it had never heard before. The language of art and what art is (to me). I seriously had emotional moments when the tutor was talking about things that I only talk to with very few people. It's like she understood and was doing a slow dancing tango with me, with my class....

A voice inside kept whispering "Don't stop, please don't stop. I don't want this night to end. Don't throw me out into THAT world. Keep me safe and warm and cocooned in THIS one" and as sensual as this sounds, I think that's how it really felt for me.

So, I'm happy and 'happy' is an understatement. As Steve Martin as Navin Johnson exclaims in The Jerk "I'VE FOUND MY SPECIAL PURPOSE!!!!"

Now leave me be as I roll around in post-euphoric bliss and lick all the surfaces of this magical place so I don't waste a single skerrick or morsel. Oh come quickly next Tuesday evening!!

Day 169: Windowlickers

You know we take our lives so seriously that, every now and then, little gems show up in our day-to-day that make us stop, take stock and, if we're lucky enough.... LAUGH!

So there I was, nervously taking the train home after a lovely evening spent catching up with an old friend, Garry Hallett, from my Contiki tour of 1986 (GE606) - G.I.D.....Give It Death (or dith as the Kiwis said) who was in town. I'd just finished telling Gaz that I didn't want to stay out too late as all the Windowlickers are out late at night and they're all on my trainline, for some reason.

Windowlickers? It's my term for the 'special' people in our society and was coined after a particularly interesting experience one evening, once again,when I was catching the train home late one night. A 'special' gentleman decided that I was going to be the object of his fascination on my train and spent the best part of the train trip staring (leering) at me. I did my best to ignore him but at Box Hill station, he alighted much to my relief. He then went to the window of the train where I was sitting and planted two palms on the window and in rather close proximity, proceeded to slowly lick the window. I suspect it was to show me how ravishingly desirable I was to him and I THINK I was supposed to swoon and leave my absolutely wonderful husband for him, to run away and live in post-coital bliss in a cave somewhere. I dunno........maybe I got it wrong, who knows?

Anyway, after a lovely evening spent with Gazzah, I jokingly told him about my Windowlicker experience and sure enough, I was blessed with a gift. At first, I was a bit worried/nervous as I wasn't sure if he (my Windowlicker for the evening) was harmless or not. However as time and many stations passed by, it was evident said Windowlicker was a sweet little Peckerhead that had no intentions of hurting anyone as he was enveloped in his own dancing world with matching headphones and doof doof to help him along.

I couldn't help myself because Peckerhead actually lightened my trip and made me genuinely laugh. He made all the other passengers happy as well and that was our little gift for the day.

Now in contemporary society, it is a safe thing to be cautious and wary of strangers who behave strangely in our midst. But every now and again, you come across an unaffected individual who just wants to express their joy and happiness and God Bless their little cotton shoe-shuffling socks, they spread  a little joy to our doldrum lives.

So, take a few moments out and watch my iPhone catch of Peckerhead Windowlicker, Parts 1, 2 and 3..... sit back and have a giggle:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F02ijo1skps&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2upWy5h2iY&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Bq77IyI9LU&feature=related

Enjoy!!!

DAY 161: Treating your body like the temple that it is

For years I have indulged in foods and activities (or lack of) that, up until now, I didn't realise was doing me so much damage. I LOVED sweet foods (still do....I just don't indulge that's all), rich foods, foods that are fried, quick hit foods and ....... no activity that burned all that fat that those foods built up. I guess, as I was growing up, the focus was on filling my belly with all these new foods that I was tasting in this new country of mine. My Mum has always been a healthy woman and rarely indulged in fast food or anything that wasn't good for her but she also has tremendous discipline which she didn't pass down to her progeny, obviously. My Dad.....loves the food that I love but he, too, could exercise moderation albeit his version of it.

So, fast forward to the present and all that abuse paid out it's dividends eventually. The penny didn't drop a year ago when it should have so, rather half-heartedly, I approached my diet and exercise regime and fell off that bucking horse 6 months later. No surprise really.

THIS time, the penny has dropped and you know how I know? Because I can say "No thank you" to all those foods that got me here. I can stare down chocolate and cake (my bane) and pies and pastries and cheeses (good cheese) and they will blink before I do. Sure, I have the desire, I won't deny that, but I wish I could verbalise adequately how GOOD my body feels right now.

I am treating it, metaphorically, like a luxury car. I'm only putting good things into it and it is reacting favourably by taking me places that I wouldn't normally go. I have discovered flavours that are luxurious and delicious that aren't fattening and that still give me the same pleasure as all those other foods. Only this time, I know that they're good for me. Foods like huge plump gorgeous cherries and organic avocadoes and tomatoes, home made hummus and beautiful soups made with ripe, fresh ingredients. Foods that don't taste like healthy foods. Foods that my son asks me to make for him - he's clueless as to it's nutritious quality, he just thinks they're yummy. Grant's beautiful Moroccan lamb and olive tagine with couscous..... chicken cacciatore (fat free version) made with ripe and juicy vine-ripened truss tomatoes and a handful of raw nuts eaten together with a large Bartlett pear.

Now, you may think that those ingredients sound more expensive than ye olde supermarket variety mass-produced vegetables and fruit but we went to the Queen Victoria market today and surprised the pure cotton socks out of ourselves. We not only bought produce that hadn't been cool-stored for God-knows-how-long and it was almost half the price and twice, even three times, more fresh than the stuff that is sold in most supermarkets........which meant we could afford to buy the better quality stuff like vine-ripened truss tomatoes instead of garden variety tomatoes. We still came out in front and my healthy little heart is beating like a drum with excitement about it all.

If you want your body to take you the distance, treat it like the temple that it is. It's a gift you were given and it's up to you to take care of it. If it was a Ferrari, how would you treat it? If it was a piece of Tiffany jewellery, would you store it and clean it carefully or just throw it in your top drawer?

Have a talk to it. If your body is arking up and giving you trouble, have you contributed to that in any way? Do you put stuff into it that exascerbates your issues or have you been kind and treated it with love?

Vine ripened truss tomatoes with goat's cheese feta and fresh basil! It's alllll healthy and I can eat as much of it as I want. Why would you swap this for takeaway?

DAY 140: Victor or Victim, you choose......

Sometimes crappy things happen to good people for no reason. I've always felt that there had to be a reason why things happen to me and, for me, finding that reason seems to work for me. But, sometimes....just sometimes, there are no answers.

• Why does a genuinely good person get terminally incurable cancer?
• Why do babies die prematurely with no medical reason why that happened?
• Why do teenagers get cut down in their prime through no fault of their own?
• Why do some people have the golden touch and everything seems to fall into place for them and not for others?
• Why do storms/tsunamis/hurricanes decimate innocent people's lives?

I've had my share of 'ikk' moments in my life, a lot of them I've brought on myself, some I haven't. However, when I look around me, I feel genuinely blessed - up to this point - that my life has been as interesting and eventful as it's been.

I look back (because I am an extremely reflective person) and all the things I've experienced and had in my life have all been lessons for me to learn. I can see that now. It's how I visualise or choose to perceive those moments and experiences that determine how I look at my present and future.

When things happen to us, my opinion is that we have choices. You can either choose to accept the event, deal with it and move on ..... or you can choose to fall in a heap, become a victim to it and then play the victim from that point on. I've done that, I have to admit.

A large part of my life was spent feeling sorry for myself when things got rough -  blaming others (I was particularly good at this), lying in a foetal position, waiting for someone to ride up on the proverbial white horse and rescue me and generally being a victim. Until.....

My divorce. I got into some self-development at that point because my old coping mechanisms were not helping me at all. I did all the normal soul-searching and the WHYing and WHY MEing? After some very deep thought processes which took about 18 months all up, to be honest, I came out of it a very different person.

I took ownership of my part to play in the downfall of my marriage, which was 50%. Nothing more, nothing less. I forgave my ex-husband for his part and then went on this very long road to forgiving myself. I discovered I had a lot to forgive. I wasn't the perfect wife and partner that I thought I was. SURPRISE!!

I read a lot....My God, did I read??!!!! Layers fell off, like old transparent onion layers. They came off and this new more positive person replaced those old, tired, antiquated thoughts.

Now, let me say that I still have very challenging moments. Last week was no exception.  Those old ways of thinking sometimes surface, as old habits are wont to do, and I have to harness them, tie them in an old hessian bag in my mind and kick them out to the Universe where they can't do any more harm.

Victor or Victim, people .... choose. When your life presents you with something that splinters shards of jagged glass to your core? Do you cringe, fall into a heep and bleed to death or do you sit quietly, accept the temporary pain you're in and pick each and every one of those shards out? YOU CHOOSE.

I've learned that the more I play the victim, the more these things seem to happen to me. But, like all bullies, the minute I stood up to it and said NO MORE, it stopped happening.

What books did I read? I can't remember them all but the most memorable and inspirational ones that I've bought(or been given) and kept are:

• Self Matters: Creating Your Life From the Inside Out - Dr Phil McGraw (BRILLIANT!!)
• The Secret - Rhonda Byrne
• The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living - His Holiness the Dalai Lama
• Laughter, Sex, Vegetables and Fish: Dr John Tickell
• The Magic of Thinking Big - David J. Schwartz

I've read so many others but these books gave me so much food for thought that made sense and, more importantly, when put to practice - worked!!

The other thing I do which keeps me in the positive zone is read biographies of inspirational people like Lance Armstrong, Janine Shepherd, Maya Angelou and the list goes on. It teaches you that nothing comes easy in life and that "gifted" or "charmed" people aren't gifted or charmed at all, they've worked very hard to get what they want and stayed focussed on their goals.

DAY 136: My Diabetes

   

Some people would view my Type 2 diabetes diagnosis as a tragedy and fall into a heap about the changes that have to occur as a result. Some people would retreat into themselves from fear of the unknown or, worse, ignore the diagnosis and pretend it didn't happen and they're all valid reactions to have once you've been diagnosed.

However, let me share my reaction with you. Sure, at first it came as a shock and it took a full day or so to realise that I HAVE DIABETES. One of my little voices said "So what? Not life-threatening, is it? It's not cancer or something similar". The other little voice said nothing. it just looked on in silence, trying to digest what this actually meant.

There's this part of me that refuses to be a victim to my circumstances. Not sure where I got that from - I haven't always been like this. But once I got my head around the diagnosis, I decided that I wasn't going to let diabetes debilitate my life and, really, if you look at it positively - it was what I needed to change my life around. I obviously missed/ignored/swatted all the other little (and sometimes not so little) signs that the Universe had been sending for some time so the message had to become less subtle for Shaz.

It's been the blessing that I needed. Honestly. You may be reading this and shaking your head thinking "what a wally" but I REALLy am grateful that this happened when it did.

Now as time progressed and I changed my eating habits and lifestyle habits, I got the beast under control rather than the other way around and..........I started to slip. "Just one lolly won't hurt" and it didn't seem to at the time. So I'd have two lollies....which escalated to dessert every now and then or a sliver of cake....and then other folks would say "You don't have to be so rigid. you can eat whatever you want to, shaz. Just take your medication" .....and I listened to that because I wanted my previous life back (minus the consequences).

Christmas came and I thought that I'd been soooo good that I could afford a little blowout. Afterall, it's Christmas!! Which then bled into my birthday (you can't NOT have cake on your birthday....and cheese....and a bourbon). Before I knew it, I wasn't totally back to my old ways but my little 'treats' had become 'regulars'.

My sugars blew out and I had trouble bringing them back down. My Doctor increased me medication to help and it really didn't help THAT much. When he threatened me with insulin injections 3 weeks ago, the Shaz I know and LOVE kicked in. She rose from her grave, put on her kick@rse boots, got the whip out and said "LIKE HELL".

To the gym we went (Other Shaz comes with me when I lack the strength and courage to go thru with some things) and before we knew it, we'd hired a personal trainer - Andrew - and a nutritionist - Tarryn. You guys rock!!

Three weeks in and I'm starting to lose the bulge, which is correlated to my sugars. My sugars (blood glucose levels) are reducing quickly and I am going to rock this planet once again!!

People, please stop telling diabetics that they can eat anything so long as they just take their medication because that's A LIE and you are doing harm by saying this!

Diabetics:

• DO NOT LISTEN to the above waffle. Go to a diabetes specialist and follow their instructions.
• Heed medical advice and not the quackery of well-meaning friends and family.
• Treat your body with the respect that it so richly deserves. Don't expect it to take you through this life if you don't worship the ship that you came in.
• Stay focussed - the rewards WILL come and it WILL be worth it!

More than anything, I am grateful, grateful, grateful to my beautiful husband who supports me when I fall and stands beside me when I dust myself off to start again without one utterance, not one word of judgement or "I told you so". WHAT A MAN!! He won't read this but he knows because I tell him every single day.

DAY 126: Awaiting Ethan

M and L are good friends of my sister and Tania. M & L are gay. Let's get all this out of the way before we move on. They've been together for about 9 years and are in the final stages of awaiting their first child.

I had the privilege and honour of being able to photograph them, in all their resplendent pregnant beauty this weekend. M is 34 weeks pregnant and L is 34 weeks patiently waiting......

I love babies and, so consequently, love the anticipatory beauty of a pregnant woman. So, this weekend, we all congregated at Karen and Tania's house to capture this beautiful period of awaiting Ethan (they're having a boy and have named him Ethan).

Let me say that what I experienced was far more than I expected to. M & L are no strangers to me. At first, we took photos of them together and I discovered, quite by accident, that M has a tattoo down the right side of her body that is stunningly gorgeous. Now, I'm not a huge fan of the tattoo but this one is just so beautiful and tasteful that I couldn't help but be charmed by it. I wanted to photograph it's snaking character of her body and, one thing led to another - whispers to L that "the top has to come off" followed by further whispers of "the undies, the undies just take away from her beauty.." I was very fortunate that L could see where I was coming from and that I was not just an oddball pervert photographer. She was on the same page as me so, with L's encouragement, we had touchdown!

I cannot tell you how absolutely beautiful this pregnant woman is. I've had two children myself so seeing a woman's belly full of child is no surprise to me. However, M's body was just glowing - it was magical and I was drawn into another world by just taking her photos. She was such a trooper, too. I could see that, after two hours, she was getting tired but I just couldn't get enough, and she soldiered on with a cackle and a smile.

Funniest thing was, after shutting down the house and rearranging the furniture to get the best light etc, the unexpected and sudden arrival of Tania's eldest son, who is 19. HAAAA! Imagine coming home to find that your home has been turned into, what appears to be, a photographic pregnancy porn site. He didn't blink an eye, politely greeted everyone and walked past a very naked M to the other side of the house. Not one question! M took it like the trooper that she is....

So, after that interruption, we moved on. Time moves on, clicks of the shutter furiously punctuate the air and.........Tania's youngest son, who's about 16, also arrives home, unexpectedly! AAAARGH!! Now his eyebrows raise but he, too, quietly greets everyone with politeness. The giveaway was the flashing dimple that said more than he thought it did. The dimples said "Hello now.....what's this in my living room?? Cameras, nude women and....God I love my unconventional family!"

He, too, moves to his room like this is an everyday occurrence which has me briefly, albeit silently, questionning my sister's day-to-day lifestyle. But, we move on....

Until Jules pops in, yep, you guessed it - unexpectedly! You couldn't script this any better and M still sat there, highly amused at the unexpected traffic of people having clandestine peeps at her very pregnant body. Jules realises what's going on and, I suspect out of respect for the extremely nude mummy-to-be, makes a hasty exit. God bless you Jules, if you're reading this.....

Now, let me tell you that once M was clothed, her aura took an entirely different glow and, sitting outside under the pergola talking to L, while M got dressed, I was suddenly moved to tears. I felt like I'd just seen the Virgin Mary (go with me on this) but it suddenly hit me how absolutely privileged an experience I just had. It's not everyday that a pregnant woman will let you into her inner sanctum and witness those little intimate moments between her and her partner, while they wait for the birth of their child. She might let you photograph her, sure, but two hours and a magnificent dinner by Tania down the track, you get to feel like you've been invited some place that not many people get invited to be.

M & L, I don't know if you'll read this. I hope you do. I have photographed quite a lot of people and every one of those is singularly special. Each had it's moments of revelation and wonderment and I always - ALWAYS - walk away from a personal shoot feeling full in my heart.

But your shoot yesterday? I came away bursting at the seams with happiness. I witnessed a rare kind of beauty upfront and personal and, although I'm rarely lost for words, I seem to be struggling to find the adequate ways to communicate how beautiful you both are. Not just as a couple but as parents-to-be.

Thank you for yesterday. For allowing Grant and me to be and see a small part of your life and this very special journey you are both on and, more especially, for letting me see your connection, your very mutual love and respect for each other and the love that's growing in anticipation of your very much-awaited Ethan.

DAY 111: Return from Bali - Ketut Liyer, Eat, Pray, Love

Before I go into any huge entry about Bali, I feel the need to purge this from my conscience, okay?

I had no intention of visiting Ketut Liyer while I was planning my trip to Bali but thought, if it came upon me, I'd go visit him. I don't know why. After the huge exposure he received from EAT, PRAY, LOVE by Elizabeth Gilbert, I thought it would be interesting to visit him - see who he is and what he was all about.

Did I visit him? We passed his house, sure. I saw the sign and recognised his name and had my momentary flash of excitement. We were on our way to somewhere and I thought to myself "I HAVE to visit him in the next few days".

So............ after a great deal of thought, this was my own personal conclusion. I only wanted to visit Ketut Liyer to touch the peripheral fringe of fame, to say I'd been to see him, to feel the superficial electricity of notoriety. Truth is, if I looked into the white truthfulness of my own heart, I had no intention of visiting any type of soothsayer/magic man in Bali. I feel that I am already on the right path to whatever my destiny or fate is. I don't need anyone to tell me that I'm a good person who is going to live to be 100 and lead a healthy and happy life.

Having come to that conclusion, that I was being nothing more than a star chaser, I felt really good internally and made the conscientious decision NOT to visit him. That I was being a more honest and truthful person to myself and that I was staying true to my own definition of integrity by NOT visiting him gave me such a solid and earthed feeling that I knew I was right.

I don't need to connect myself with anyone famous or otherwise to make me feel important. I am who I am, just good ole Shaz, having a wonderful holiday with my beautifully honest, wise and funny husband and my life will continue to be just this without visiting Ketut Liyer.

Is it age that makes you brave enough to be honest with yourself or it is an evolutionary wisdom? I'm not saying I'm wise, not at all. But I feel wise for having the conviction to ask myself, "Who are you visiting him for? For you? Or for the opportunity to tell your friends that you visited THE Ketut Liyer from Eat, Pray, Love fame?".....and good ole honest Shaz replied, "Meh, why don't you go see the Antonio Blanco Art Museum instead? That's more your thing, isn't it?"

And that is exactly what Grant and I did. We went to the Blanco Museum and I supped on the brazen truthfulness of his erotic art (wasn't expecting that but, when you're honest, the Universe delivers). I filled my spirit with his magical poetry. I feasted my ever-watering eyes on his paintings and came away the richer person for it.

DAY 91: Lists

I'm a firm believer in making lists. Well, to be more precise, not just making them and forgetting about them - making them and ticking them off as you achieve each goal on that list.

I've been making lists for a while now. Not just grocery lists, although they can very helpful as I am prone to stocking up on items unnecessarily because somewhere in my puny head, there's a voice saying "We need more carrots" when there is enough in my fridge to put the Fred Hollows Foundation out of business. (Go look up Fred Hollows and read about this exemplary Australian - he's passed away now but his foundation lives on).

Anyway, I find making lists handy and helpful. I make them in three categories, mainly. The short-term goals which are things I want to achieve within the next 12 months. The medium-term goals are the things I want to achieve within the next 5 years and the long-term goals are things that I want to tick off on my death-bed as having being done! TICK!

The BEST thing about goals is revisiting them at regular intervals to make sure that you're on track and, if not, then what you need to do to get back on track. I actually have my goals in an Excel spreadsheet with 3 monthly interval  columns that I complete to show progress....or what I've done to make progress.

My goals are also divided up into several categories (Has she got way too much time on her hands?, I hear you ask yourself? Quite the contrary hence the need to make lists). So, these categories are divided up into Career, Family, Personal, Health, Financial and Community (because it's NOT always all about you, you know!!)

What do I get out of this? I enjoy - genuinely enjoy - ticking off the things I have promised myself I would do. Not all of them are pleasant or easy. In fact, the more unpleasant and difficult they are, the better the sense of fulfilment and achievement I have. It's like I've licked the beast and I've shown them who's boss.

It's also an amazing tool to help build your own self-concept and your self-esteem. It's the proverbial mirror that you hold up to yourself and there's nothing quite like some positive monologues to help keep you happy and positive and moving forward.

It's proof, isn't it? It's proof that what you set out to achieve can actually be achieved ....by none other than YOU!!

DAY 86: My Dad and Good Friday

Talking about my parents is a very personal thing and I've talked about all the things that make me happy and all the various things that I'm grateful for and you might wonder why my parents haven't featured earlier than this post. It's because it's a very emotional subject for me and I HAVE attempted this post many, many, many times and I usually end up so emotionally wrung out that I never post it. After all, some things are just too personal.

However, I'm ready today because tomorrow is Good Friday. Good Friday is the one and only day of the year that I go to church and I go there specifically to share a special moment with my Dad. It's something we started about 11 years ago and it has remained a tradition.

My Dad and I attend the Stations of The Cross Mass. It's very special to him and because my Dad is so very special to me, I go to be with him and share a moment that is ours and ours alone.

I usually go a little early to save us both a front row seat because my Dad would prefer to have a front row seat. The whole Mass runs the gamut of every emotion you could possibly feel, no matter what your religious persuasion is. For the record, this is a Catholic Mass at our local Parish and they do a magnificent job of it.

Anyway, I like to go save my Dad a seat and wait until he's parked his car and sauntered down the footpath, twisting and turning and keeping my eye out for him and then waving inappropriately vivaciously (for what is meant to be a sombre Mass) when I see him to let him know where we're seated this year.

The Mass is highly emotional, as I said, as it depicts the Crucifixion of Jesus. For those who Believe, it is a very powerful Mass. Although I am no longer religious, I respect that other people are and my beautiful Dad is one of those people.

So we go through the Mass and while my Dad is engrossed in the service, I watch the congregation. The old, the young, the inbetweeners who aren't old enough yet to make their own choices so they have to come with their families anyway. I watch the public displays of devotion and it is a very touching thing to experience. To watch people demonstrate their faith, to hear all the on-key and mostly off-key voices join together in hymn to test the Good Lord's forgiveness, to hear babies crying to the point where one parent has to exit the church (and please do because it jars my spinal chord as well as my Dad's) as inconspicuously as they can with an uncontrollably screaming baby tucked under their arm, to hear the priest deliver his message in the hope that it hasn't fallen on deaf ears. Sometimes the messages are really poignant and the basis lies more with being spiritually good than with being religiously good and I always enjoy those. They're about laying the foundation of community and unselfish behaviour in these modern times. At times, I have to admit that the whole Catholic repenting guilt thing gets to me and I switch off but that's for another blog entry. This one is about my Dad.

My Dad listens intently with his head tilted to the roof of the church, as if he's looking for cracks (there are NO cracks in the roof of our church, okay?), and he nods to himself in a slow rocking motion at ad hoc moments, as if acknowledging the priest's message like a wise old man who had already arrived at this conclusion long ago in his own life. Then he looks at the floor to digest the sermon, rolls the prayer booklet up to the point of no redemption and, after a little contemplation, directs his vision back up to the roof as if he's looking for proof that Divine Intervention filled those imaginary cracks while he was busy looking at the floor. This is how my Dad ingests the Mass.

This ritual hasn't changed in 11 years. It sometimes gets to the point where even I am tempted to look at the roof but I know that if I do, the entire congregation will look up there too because, let's face it, no-one likes to miss out. So for the sake of the entire congregation, I resist the inclination and choose to, instead, roll my prayer book up tighter than a pirate's telescope.

Then we get to the point in the Mass that brings us to the point that bonds my Dad and me - the point where the choir sits down and two vocal angels sing Pie Jesu a capella. I CANNOT, no matter how hard I try, remain dry-eyed through this performance. Every year, I get all teary-eyed and hold my Dad's hand or arm. It's our moment. (Except last year when they didn't sing it and we felt very ripped off.).

At the end of the Mass, Dad goes home and I go back to my home in a quiet satisfaction that we have, indeed, had our special exclusive moment that will always remain ours. I come away feeling full in my heart....bursting full. I feel calm and cleansed and ready to take my life back and live it to the best of my ability.

We've had our moments in the past, my Dad and I. We've clashed heads and battled swords.....we've stood in our respective stubborn corners refusing to move. That is part of our past and it's part of our DNA. Things have certainly changed and come a long way since those days.

But this part of our relationship will stay with me longer than the 1.5 hours that the Mass goes for, longer than the 11 years that we've attended it. It will stay with me, deep in that place in my heart that is reserved for only the most special memories.

Now I wasn't going to go tomorrow as Grant isn't 100% after having minor surgery today and I wasn't comfortable leaving him at home alone. But he and my Mum reminded me just how special this annual ritual is, to my Dad and to me.....and so for yet another 1.5 hours, I'm going to church tomorrow to share a special moment with my Dad.....and I'm very happy about that.